Can’t I just be happy?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not allowing myself to be happy, that perhaps I’m unhappy because I don’t feel I deserve happiness. I had a wonderful night sleep last night and had the day off today so I was in a fantastic mood. It was the first time in a while that I actually felt like I could finally get things done and was able to truly enjoy my day. When I have these moments I can’t help but wonder, is this what happiness feels like? Because if so, it is a wonderful feeling and I wish I felt this good all the time. The problem is I always sabotage myself with one simple thought. I’m in such a good mood, I think I can handling dealing with my family today. This always leads to me contacting my mom, followed by immediate regret. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of it by telling myself, no you’re finally happy just enjoy it. But then I think, well I better deal with them now in order to get ahead of the game. Otherwise they’ll bother and upset me when I’m really busy and stressed. I don’t know why I do this to myself since I always regret it. It’s as if I’m uncomfortable being truly happy. For me I almost equate happiness with selfishness. These are not the same thing but they feel the same to me. I feel like I would be much happier if I saw/talked with family much less often, but doing so makes me feel selfish. The is mostly because my family makes me feel incredibly guilty about distancing myself. I know having appropriate boundaries for myself in order to move on and live my own life is completely acceptable but I still struggle with allowing myself to do what is best for me. I don’t like disappointing others and I don’t like when they are hurting because of me. However, this instead leads to me hurting myself.

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