Getting healthy isn’t always fun

I am constantly worrying that I’m not being fun enough. When asked what I have been doing lately nobody wants to hear working on my mental health. Same with social media when I post about mental health awareness. I’m sick of pretending like everything is fine and I’m sick and tired of wearing the fake smile when I’m really crying on the inside. I know I am a fun person but I have been working through a lot of issues lately and trying to gain my freedom. Freedom from myself and from my family. Sometimes I wonder if graduate school was a mistake because it brought all of these issues to light. Let’s be honest, they were always there just being repressed. It’s funny how much you can repress and deny. For example I never considered myself suicidal at any point yet when I was in school how many times did I fantasize about getting in a car accident. Obviously I wasn’t in a good place and just convinced myself to live day-by-day. Yet I had refused to go to counseling for help, even though it was free and provided by my school. I always told myself there wasn’t time. I’m so glad that I’m doing better now but it’s still hard for me to be in the moment and enjoy each day. I always focus on the negatives which of course doesn’t help anyone. At least I married a positive person to help pull me through. Sometimes I wonder where everyone would be in their lives if they just had a little more support.

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