Another Life Lost

Today was very emotional. Going to the interview and being back in the work setting brought up a lot of fears. I’m not convinced it’s the right place for me but at the same time I feel like I might not be able to say no at this point. There were a lot of questions asked about my last job that brought back a lot of memories I had tried to repress. The day left me very overwhelmed. I came home walked the dogs and then sat at my computer with a snack, trying to unwind. I hadn’t let my husband know I was back from my interview. I didn’t want to bother him at work and knew once I started thinking and talking, all my emotions would come running out. What if this is the best job I can find for now and what if nothing better does come along? All of those feelings of failure just came rushing over me. Trying to relax on my computer I came across a video made by someone in my profession. He was talking about suicide and that another life was lost in our profession. So young and too soon. I broke down crying. What if that was me one day because nothing worked out and I continue to work at jobs I hated with toxic environments or ones that go against my own values. It really hit home. I didn’t know the person and I don’t know what their struggles were. All I know is I don’t want to be next. Although I didn’t know them, I feel like I could understand. My heart goes out to the family and friends and to everyone else who is struggling. Please don’t be afraid to seek help. As emotionally difficult as the day was I was determined to make something good. I decided that in order to improve my own mental state I needed to apply for the one job I really wanted. I was avoiding it because of the long commute. I don’t know if things will work out but at this point I’d rather have a long drive to a job I love and that brings meaning to my life than to work near home and wonder what I’m doing with my life. Sometimes all you have is a small ounce of hope but right now that’s all I need to keep me going.

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