Depression

Sometimes my depression has me really sad and lonely. It’s hard to describe the feeling. It is as if there is a burden holding you down that no one can see or help you with. Even when I want to ask for help, I often don’t know how because I can’t describe what I’m feeling or what I need.  My anxiety and depression used to feel like a secret but over the last several years I feel like I haven’t been able to hide it. I distance myself from people and have a hard time interacting. I feel like when I do try to interact I have a hard time concentrating. Not being able to focus often kills the conversation in an awkward way but at the same time I don’t feel like I can be open with them. I want to talk to you but my mind feels cloudy. Please don’t give up on me and walk away. When people do leave, which I don’t blame them, it often makes it worse because I feel even more lonely and sad. Just one more thing I’m not good at. When I was in school, and also at my first real job, was the worst. I wasn’t happy and always had to put on a brave and happy face. By the time I got home I was too exhausted to keep this up. I didn’t want to socialize because I was sick of putting on the fake smile and couldn’t even remember what it was like to truly have fun. I am trying hard to avoid that feeling for my next job. I want it to be a job, something I do during the day; and not something that steals my soul. Even though I have been looking for jobs, my depression makes it harder to get things done. I try working through my to-do list for each day but never feel accomplished even after completely my tasks. There was no joy while doing these things it is just the day-to-day tasks that must be fulfilled in order to not fall behind. I’m sure I’m being too hard on myself but isn’t that what depression is all about? Self-doubt. I know it’s different for everyone. Some days are better than others and I know everything will be okay. I just keep reminding myself to live each day, that’s all you can really do. Live each day.

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